Remember When
by stormwhisker369
Summary: Dean was a wreck. He had been since Castiel died. He always said that he would come back, and Dean trusted him. But this time he doesn't think he will. And this time he's not sure he can take it anymore.


**I fixed this story and re-uploaded it:) it is based off the song "Remember When" by Avril Lavigne which I highly recommend you listen to. It is a beautiful song:) I hope you enjoy this story and I would love some feedback:) **

**Love Em**

Dean sighed, the air shuddering out of him. He held his knees as close to his chest as possible, while burying his head into them as he cried. He sat on the floor of a motel bathroom. It smelled of something terrible and there were things in the cracks that were un-describable but Dean didn't care. He didn't even notice really.

He didn't take Castiel's death well. It was like running into a brick wall at full speed with no protection. He had opened up completely to Cas, and then he…died.

Dean never showed how hard the death was on him. Not in public, not around Sam, not anyone. He only found himself breaking down when he was all alone. Probably because he finally noticed he really was alone.

**Completely alone.**

When he was feeling down, Cas would always come. He would always be there, even if Dean couldn't see him. But he knew, he always knew. He could feel him there, surrounding him, protecting him, watching over him.

Then it all collapsed. Everything fell down and Dean was suffocating. Drowning. Cas wasn't there, and he wouldn't ever be. Not this time.

Dean dropped the bottle of beer that rested loosely in his hand. It clanked against the tile before rolling away. It was okay though, for it to be thrown away, it was empty. Like Dean.

His eyes traveled around the tiny room. He hated the annoying crappy yellow wallpaper smothered on the walls with smiling moons splattered across it. He closed his eyes and buried his head into his hands again.

He had prayed for Cas, every day. Every single day since he had been gone. He prayed to God every day, pleading, begging, for him to bring Cas back. It shouldn't have been Cas. Why him?

He never got an answer.

Dean suddenly thought about every moment he was with Castiel. When he met him, when they hunted together, even the awkward moments when they were together, and then the moments when they were happy when they were together. One moment stood out in particular to him.

_"Dean!" Cas shook him awake from a nightmare, meeting his green eyes with incredibly bright blue ones. It took a moment to remember where he was, lying on a motel bed shaking and softly crying while Cas cradled him._

_"Cas… you're…here… they didn't get you…" Dean breathed shakily, nuzzling his nose in the crook of Castiel's neck._

_"Of course I'm here, Dean." He smiled, laying Dean back down on the bed. He curled up next to him, wrapping him in his arms._

_"Please don't leave me alone." Dean whimpered, still upset about his dream._

_"I won't, Dean, I promise. I will always come back. Always."_

And Cas had kept that promise, well…until now. This time he didn't come back. This time Dean was sure he was gone.

**Forever.**

Dean climbed up from the bathroom floor and unlocked the door, traveling into the motel room. He grabbed another bottle of beer and the bottle of sleeping pills from the bathroom counter. Sam had bought them for Dean when he noticed he wasn't sleeping.

He couldn't sleep. He drank all the time.

It was getting hard to breathe.

Dean stared down at the bottle of pills in his hand. Sam had always kept the bottle with him, making sure Dean took his single pill every night. But this time Sammy had forgotten it at the motel.

He didn't know Dean had it.

He didn't know what Dean wanted to do with it.

But he would find out eventually, because Dean knew he couldn't live without Cas.

Dean dumped the bottle's load into his hand and opened his beer. He poured the pills into his mouth and swallowed, downing them with beer.

Dean started sobbing instantly. He started feeling everything then, again.

Pain, fear, guilt, anger, grief, everything. He was crying because he didn't want to feel it anymore, not then. He wasn't going to back out, not now. He wanted to be with Cas! CASCASCASCASCAS! He grabbed the motel notepad and pen and scribbled out an _I'm Sorry Sammy_ on it.

And then suddenly Dean was seeing every memory, the good and bad. Right from the time he was with his mom, and his dad, and everything was normal. He remembered to the time he was holding Sam in his arms as he died, before making a deal with a demon to bring him back. When he was in hell and Castiel saved him.

Oh God, Castiel…

And then suddenly Cas was there, pulling him up from the bed and into the bathtub. Shoving his fingers down Dean's throat and making him throw up every single pill. He was there, really there.

He held Dean close to his chest and started rocking him. His blue eyes met Dean's green and Dean saw they were filled with fear and guilt. He was repeating Dean's name over and over and Dean could tell he was crying.

"Cas…" Dean breathed, everything starting to get a little clearer.

"Dean!" Cas trembled and buried his face in Dean's neck. That's when Dean saw the black wings that sprouted from his back. His eyes widened as they wrapped around him and Cas, closing them off from the cruel world outside.

"Dean… I told you I would always come back."

**_Remember When_**


End file.
